On making it worse…

I have prayed that God would use this blog and the words in it to encourage others who are walking in shoes similar to mine. The problem is, I have no encouraging words right now.

I broke down last night, the sobbing, snotting, hiccuping kind of break down…you know, the pretty kind. The burden of silence with this disease was too heavy, and I could not handle it another second. My sweet husband came to the rescue as much as he could-said he would call our pastor, tucked me in to bed, and ever the Braveheart, encouraged me to “hang in there.” Every ounce of strength he had was used to bolster me up.

Which made him spiral into The Hole today. And it is my fault. I know this because he told me so. I am so not good at being supportive of him when he is not well. I can hold it together for only so long before I become a scared mess. It’s like a sick form of super power. Not only can I not fix it, I can make it worse.

It doesn’t seem to matter how hard I pray through the pain, pray against the cynicism, fear, and lies that attack us both, pray for healing. Eventually, fear and emotional exhaustion catch up with me at the. worst. time. And it just makes him more sick. 

The amount of self-loathing that comes with this is fairly impressive. I need no condemnation, because I’ve got that covered.

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3 thoughts on “On making it worse…

  1. 😦 this sounds like something my mom went through. I will pray that God will renew your hope and joy in Him and have the strength to keep battling with Him. You can make it through with His help. Don’t be so hard on yourself. None of us can handle the sorrows of life on our own.

  2. Allow me to say that his illness is not your fault. This downturn can’t be pinned on you either. I don’t know his story or yours, but I do know that depression is commonly a genetic/biological disorder. It’s an illness that preys upon the emotional mind. You probably already know this.

    You can’t be blamed, because you suffer his illness with him. I hope he will come to understand that your suffering is empathy. It’s no one’s fault, ever. If you haven’t already, I hope you both can see a therapist that understands and empathizes. Talking it out with a professional, when it’s a good patient/therapist fit, helps more than anyone can foresee. Unfortunately, pastors are rarely trained to professionally treat mental illness. If your pastor is, then that’s a thumbs up. Blessings.

  3. Thank you, both, for your encouragement and kindness. This was one of those posts that just needed to come out of me. Logically, I know this disease is not my fault, or his fault (and yes, there is a genetic history of it in his family). But when everything goes to shit (pardon the french), I can either keep those thoughts in and get more discouraged-or purge them, and make room for truth. But know that your words and prayers are a balm that is badly needed. Thank you and blessings!

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